Jokes

[Гость]

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."


Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"



From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[irakly]

Thank you very match. it was cool.

[robizon]

Me too, me too !
I was really moved to tears to hear "from across the room" a VOICE...!
"Thank you very match. it was ...."
Indeed, it really was... !

[Luka]

Me too, me too !

No need to show his stupidity. We thus see

[robizon]

No need to show his stupidity. We thus see

I am awfully sorry, sir, but could you possibly explain the audience whose stupidity you imply...?
More over we would appreciate very much if you be so kind to clarify your own authority to state quote we thus see unquote ?!
If you please !


p.s.
I said "awfully" !
No alien "mugs" are used by myself for whatever purpose !

[TutaRchela]

Pizza delivery

I read only now.

[Lococo]

The son returns from school and says he got 2 in math...
the father asks "WHHYY.. u sonuvabitch"..
"the teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ and I said 6"..answered the son
"but that’s right"
"yea but then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?"
"but what’s the fucking difference?"
"that’s exactly what I said daddddd!"

[irakly]

What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.(No-eye deer)

[shikola]

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests by children between 5th and 6th grade ages.
They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.

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Ancient Egypt was old.. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert.
The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos.
He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.
The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.
He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous..
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
The games were messier then than they show on TV now.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand.
The English and French still have problems.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

...

[shikola]

... continued

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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all of his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.


Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared,
"A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure.
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands..
Abraham Lincoln freed slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children.
In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Bach died from 1750 to present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll.
He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species.
It was very long, people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true.
He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did.
Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies.
Karl made speeches and started revolutions.
Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

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